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Date: April 2,1990

Title: “What the Hell is a Freeholder?”

Author: Donald Scarry

The Scene: Princeton, the Princetonian Diner. The Time: late at night. The waitress said, “Oh…you ran for office last year; are you Jim Florio?” I thought for a moment and said: “No, but I”ll have another cup of coffee anyway!” Such is the meat of countless political discussions held in countless diners across New Jersey.

Sooner or later you”re going to think about running for some office; most people do at one time or other. This idea seems to come into our heads when we meet some elected official who is a total and complete idiot. You know the kind of person I mean…looks good, sounds good, takes applause well and seems to have no erthly idea of what your problem is or why you are addressing it to him or her. Well, last year I fell under this spell and ran for Freeholder in my county, Burlington.

I know exactly what you”re asking yourself right now. “What the hell is a Freeholder?” You”ve just discovered the first problem of my maiden voyage into politics; some identity crises apply to the office rather than to the candidate. Do you have any idea how expensive, time consuming and ego bruising it is to put yourself before the voters and convince them to vote for you? That”s nothing compared to what it takes to explain over and over and over the exact nature of the office you are seeking.

The best answer I came up with-about two days before the election-was, “A Freeholder”s like a County Commissioner.” That seemed to satisfy everybody. I had no idea what a County Commissioner did and neither did they, but it seemed to quiet the issue.

That is how we get to Rule #1 in Don Scarry”s Rules for Running for Political Office: NEVER, NEVER RUN FOR AN OFFICE IF IT HAS AN OBSCURE OR ARCHAIC TITLE!

Run for President if you want. Enjoy a Senate campaign. By all means run for Mayor. But never, never run for Freeholder, Surrogate or Prothonotary.

In case you”re doubting the wisdom of this rule, let me give you irrefutable proof of its power. Jim Florio and I ran for office in the same state, in the same year, in the same party and, in my case, in the same county. He won, I lost. Why? Because he ran for Governor; and I ran for Freeeeeeeholder! Enough said.

Rule #2 is a variant of one of those sayings like ” It ain”t over till it”s over”. In this case I”ve adopted a song title by Randy Newman, a prolific and truly insightful California songwriter and philosopher. The full expression of this fundamental rule is: IT”S MONEY THAT MATTERS!

Printers, bulk mailers, bumper sticker makers, pen imprinters, newspapers” advertising departments, radio and television stations, caterers and all their in-laws, dependents and descendants actually invented the electoral process. Their respective lobbyists forced the concept of elections into our constitution, no doubt over the strenuous objections of the munitions lobby. The efforts of these groups are what produces the smooth transitions of power that occur in the United States. They keep us from revolution. This is, of course, an expensive option.

Did you ever wonder why so many campaigns–even those for offices with nice names–go broke? The answer is simple to those of us who have been through the college of hard knocks rather than the Electoral College. That next brochure or mailing or whatever always costs 110% of the balance in your campaign”s account! The quantity of unused bumper stickers in this country has to exceed the number of single socks left in American laundry rooms. A cheap pen with your name and a nice American flag on it can cost 25¢. The 35¢ version will actually dispense Ink for more than a minute. Mailed brochures are more useful however, voters can fold them and stick them in rattling windows.

As is true of any sound rule, simple but irrefutable proof of the primacy of money abounds in history. There were no printers when the cave men were around; there were no elections either-quod erat demonstrandum. The invention of printing was the seed bed of democracy in more ways than one.

Rule #3 is obvious: EVERYONE WHO RUNS FOR OFFICE–EVEN OFFICES WITH NICE NAMES IS SURE THAT HE OR SHE IS GOING TO WIN! Last year, every Democratic candidate thought Jim Florio would put him or her over the top. Every Republican candidate was going to win on local bread and butter issues. This year, every Democratic candidate will win because Bill Bradley is on the top of the ticket. This year, every Republican candidate will win based on Jim Florio”s first year in office. The Socialist Labor candidate thinks he or she will win because of Gorbachev”s new/old policies. The AntiCommunist Popular Front Party will win because of Bill Bradley”s presence on the ticket, Jim Florio”s first year in office, local bread and butter issues” and Gorbachev”s new/old policies.

Each year every candidate is fully and totally convinced that the electorate understands, and cares passionately about, even the most obscure offices on the ballot. Candidates firmly believe that their issues will win the day over formidable financial opponents. And, even in the odd event this is not the case, every candidate believes the ticket will sweep him in.

This is a delightful lunacy that everyone should experience!

Donald Scarry, like Ronald Reagan and Tip O”Neill, has retired from active politics.